Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A is for the Aggressive Piglet

Welcome to MopDog! Ready to dip your toe into the ocean of Hungarian Craziness?
No?
Too bad. Here comes the push.
Aggressive Piglet (Agresszív Kismalac) is the hero of many Hungarian jokes. Aggressive Piglet jokes essentially make fun of a certain a personality type: incapable of admitting whe he's wrong, bullying everyone around him, and completely oblivious to subtle hints - or, rather, hints of any kind.
We all kow that guy.
Yes? No? "What the heck?"
Well, fortunately for the rest of the world, many Aggressive Piglet jokes translate into English without a hitch. And because no one has been doing the global favor and injecting Aggressive Piglet into mainstream culture, I decided it was time Piglet made the jump onto the big stage.
(People will claim that Piglet has a lot in common with Grumpy Cat. Make no mistake. Piglet was first.)
Telling an Aggressive Piglet joke is easy. Start telling it as any other joke, then randomly scream at people in your rudest voice. For some reason I have not quite figured out yet, the vast majority of people thinks it is funny to tell them that way.

WARNING!
Aggressive Piglet, no matter how cute and cuddly the name would lead you to believe, is not always politically correct, not child friendly, and sometimes just all-around rude. I replaced all the questionable words with asterisks. Proceed at your own risk.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Here we go.

Piglet is sitting on a tree. Rabbit walks by.
"Piglet, what are you doing?!"
"I'm eating cherries!"
"But... Piglet, that's a pine tree!"
"SHUT UP! I BROUGHT CHERRIES!!!"

Piglet is riding a bike. He turns a corner, runs into a wall, falls over. Rabbit runs up to him.
"Oh my god!!! Piglet are you all right?!"
"SHUT UP! THIS IS HOW I PARK!!!"

Pretty blonde walks down the street with a piglet in her arms. She meets a friend. Friend cheerfully: "Oh my god it's so cuuuute!!! Where did you get it?"
Piglet: "SHUT UP! I BOUGHT HER!!!"

Aggressive Piglet and sparrow are sitting on the tram. It's winter, bitter cold. Sparrow chirps up:
"Piglet, could you please close the window? It's cold outside!"
Piglet mutters something, stands, closes the window. A few minutes later he yells at Sparrow:
"SO IS IT WARMER OUTSIDE NOW?!"

Piglet walks into a train station.
"I want a round trip ticket!"
"Sure. Where?"
"THERE AND BACK, DAMMIT!"

Piglet is driving a truck, and gets stuck under a bridge. The police shows up, the officer walks over to the truck.
"Hi there Piglet, are you stuck?"
"NO DAMMIT I'M TRANSPORTING A BRIDGE!!!"

Piglet walks into a bus station.
"I want a ticket!"
"Where to?"
"NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"

Piglet travels on a bus. Old lady shows up. Piglet:
"Would you like to sit down?"
"Yes, please!"
"WELL, TOO BAD!"

Piglet shows up at the doctor's office.
"I got kicked by a camel!"
"Where did it kick you?"
"WHERE DO YOU THINK?! IN THE **** DESERT!"

Piglet to the doctor:
"I think I have anger issues."
"What makes you think so?"
"TOO MANY QUESTIONS!!!"

Piglet is failing an exam. Finally the teacher decides to be nice:
"Fine, I'll let you go with a D."
"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!!!"

Piglet runs a red light, gets pulled over by the police. Officer:
"Piglet, that will cost you 200 dollars."
"I'M NOT BUYIN' ANYTHING!!!"

Piglet falls into a pit. Rabbit shows up.
"Wait Piglet, I'll get you a ladder!"
"I'M NOT WAITING!!!"

Piglet is cooking a golden fish by the river. Rabbit shows up.
"Oh my god, Piglet! That fish could have fulfilled three wishes!"
"HE DID!"

Piglet meets a nun and headbutts her.
"BATMAN, YOU'RE WEAK!!!"

And finally, the all-time classic:

Piglet needs a lawnmower. He decides to go over to Hedgehog and borrow his. On the way over to Hedgehog's, he starts thinking:
"I'll just stop by and ask him to lend me the lawnmower. Hedgehod is such a nice guy, I'm sure he'll agree. I mean, he is usually nice. Most of the time. He has usually been nice to me. Except once. I don't think he really likes me. He gives me those looks. I think he thinks I'm not good enough. I bet he doesn't trust me with his lawnmower. He will be all like 'Piglet, you are goin to break it'. I think he hates my guts. What a jerk. And that lawnmower is ancient, so what's the big deal? Just because he's always thought I was stupid, that's no reason to refuse me!"
Piglet finally gets to Hedgehog's, knocks on the door. Hedgehog opens is.
"Oh hey Piglet, what can I do for you?"
"**** YOUR LAWNMOWER, HEDGEHOG!!!"


(Admit it, we have all done this at some point.)

13 comments:

  1. WHY HAVE YOU HOARDED AGGRESSIVE PIGLET ALL TO YOURSELVES ALL THESE YEARS? (These are hilarious.)

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  2. I couldn't stop laughing reading about aggressive piglets. But they're so cute? Yes I have been warned

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  3. This post is a recycled *cough* version of one I did on my other blog a while ago. Check that one for more jokes (and less asterisks) ;)
    http://multicoloreddiary.blogspot.com/2012/03/aggressive-piglet-superstar.html

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  4. Oh my god, I think I'm an Aggressive Piglet! O.O
    Seriously though, great post. I was laughing the whole way through. I'll be back again tomorrow to read what comes next.

    Nicky @ http://njmagas.wordpress.com/2014/04/01/a-is-for/

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  5. I LOVED these! :-) I suppose we are all Aggressive Piglets at some point. Although I am also Rabbit a lot, and usually end up sorry for trying to help. :-)

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    Replies
    1. I know right?!?! In my family, there is a warning when someone says "Don't go hedgehog-lawnmower!!!" :D

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  6. LOL, Aggressive Piglet is awesome!

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  7. AH!!! LOVE it! What a character! Stop by and visit Maui Jungalow for tidbits about Hawaii.

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  8. LOL! 'This is how I park!' - oh yeah, we all know people like that and I can now call them Agressive Piglet and they will not know what the hell I'm talking about. AP should be an internet phenomenon!
    Sophie
    Sophie's Thoughts & Fumbles - A to Z Ghosts
    Fantasy Boys XXX - A to Z Drabblerotic

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  9. Haha!
    Now I know what to mutter under my breath when I face people like this. "Aggressive Piglet!"

    anna @ Deeply Shallow

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  10. I miss you. And I miss Aggressive Piglet.

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  11. Oh my gosh, these are so great. There's a similar meme, I think, but I can't remember what it's called. Aggressive Piglet > Grumpy Cat.

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